Tales Of Miss Scarlett

Archive for the tag “Growing”

God is like a ride or die friend

In 2013 I started a Blessings Jar.

The idea was that throughout the year, I would write lil notes of blessings that I had experienced and at the end of the year…open the jar and review all my blessings.

2013 was an overwhelming year for me!

I traveled A LOT and I graduated with my undergraduate degree which is something I fought hard for. But I also had deep low points in my life and tremendous heart break….

…and in the midst of it all, I stopped writing notes for the jar and never reviewed it.

But today I decided to take a look and these are a few notes I found:

01/16/2013 After days of self pity and bad anxiety and

sleepless nights and putting myself more in debt…I paid my tuition.

MY FINAL TUITION!

Somehow I made it. Not just the payment but through college.

God has never left me!

01/18/2013 I went to see the resume doctor on campus & she was impressed with my resume. It got me thinking how God planned everything out in a way that even though I often complain about not getting jobs on campus or being broke; the job I did get is an amazing addition to my career goals. Everything that he allowed me to do is beneficial in the long run. Once again proving, that he has plans for me & they are better than any plan I could make for myself. I am blessed!

01/20/2013: Despite being undeserving, God shows His mercies.

I told a lie and I made mistakes and in an attempt to cover those up,

I just made more mistakes.

But God is like that ride or die friend that sees you struggling &helps you out.

He is like having a parent that sees their child doing wrong

but understands their heart & gives them a pass. I am blessed!

Even though we are half way through the first month of the year…it is not too late. A blessings jar is great way to count your blessings. At the very least, it gives us time to reflect on how favored we are. And when you do review the jar…whether it be monthly, at the end of the year or a decade from now…you will feel amazed!

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#loveyourlines

I matured fast!

At least that’s what I was told all my life and therefore what I reiterated to others

but mostly to myself

whenever I started staring at what looked like war wounds/claw marks/tiger stripes all over my body.

STRETCH MARKS

like finger prints; they grip my hips, clasp my ass and fondle my bosoms!

I matured fast!

my hormones raged, tectonic plates crashed together & my mountains formed in the north & south faster than my skin could keep up.

STRETCH MARKS

DON’T justify them.

DON’T hide them.

DON’T be ashamed of them.

DO love them.

STRETCH MARKS

proof that you transformed from a girl into a woman.

child bearing hips, nurturing bosoms and buttocks just for the heck it.

like blue prints; they show him where to grip my hips, clasp my ass and fondle my bosoms!

#loveyourlines

*post was inspired by the #loveyourlines movement on instagram

Fresh Start and Assurances

but then he said

Yes! I have a past. I’ve been in love, I’ve had fuck buddies, girlfriends and “I probably shouldn’t have done that” moments. I come with baggage. There is nothing I can do to change that. In fact, I’d be lying if I told you I regret it. But I can tell you this; I’m in love with you. I want you.  And even though I have history with these females, I’m committed to building a future with you. Let’s move forward together.

….and it made it all better.

Just give me till then to give up this fight

I Can’t Make You Love Me

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head 
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don’t patronize – don’t patronize me

Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t 
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t

I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see 
The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me 
Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours 
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t

by  Michael Reid and Allen Shamblin

Love & Vulnerability

As the girl who has been accused on a few occasions of not being vulnerable,

I know this is a lot easier said that done!

But we still have to try right?

Right?

The problem with being jaded and damaged with baggage

I’ve lately got in the habit of making lists. Especially ones regarding relationships.

I’ll admit that this is largely due to fear. See I’ve been in far too many relationships that ended badly.

And yes while hindsight is a bitch, everything truly could have been avoided if I just took the time to

consider all the things about this guy that I knew would eventually drive me crazy and all the things he was doing wrong.

Not to just point out his flaws, but to see how it measured up to my list of positive things, which usually was none existing or consisted of “He is a nice person!”

I have a tendency in relationships to ‘let things play themselves out’ or not wanting to quit until I have no other option. But the truth of the matter is….in EVERY relationship I have been in, there were ALWAYS signs of what was to come within the FIRST MONTH.

So given this realization, I took great effort to take note of all the flaws that I noticed in a new guy I had just met.

And as soon as he did something I thought was a no-no, I had no qualms about letting him go.

But a few short days later, after sharing and swapping dating horror stories with a friend I realized…that dude that I so quickly tossed to the side was not even half as horrible as 100% of the guys I had dated in the past.

I was so focused on making sure that I took note of his negatives, I completely forgot to take note of his positives

Now while I still stand by my decision to let that guy go because frankly he wasn’t the right one, I do want to use it as a learning experience for the next guy.

Yes sometimes its true that we enter relationships already with the mindset that this guy will be the one. So we ignore all the warning signs and quickly justify all his wrong doings because we are so desperate to make this guy fit into the fantasy we already have in our heads.

But sometimes the opposite happens. In my case, I am so jaded and damaged with baggage that I fail to properly see whats a good relationship from whats a bad one.

I guess my hope is that with all this writing and list making I will achieve growth and self-improvement. Because to truly work on my issues, I have to first admit to having them.

Mother tongue…please don’t forsake me?

“a weh yuh a go?”
I swung around in an exhausting blend of excitement, amusement and anxiety.
“I’m on my way to class” Dammit!! I forced a nervous smile desperately trying to hide my embarrassment and disappointment in my ability to link my thoughts and control my mouth to speak my mother tongue.
The war rages, the conflict continues….the battle between my current voice and my native dialect that is fighting to not be suffocated to the dimensions of my childhood memories.


Balance? Harmony!    thats all I seek.
NO not to belong. I have long ago let go of that jovial desire
But to assert!        ME
                             Myself
               and I 
                           in all its glorious, transcultural self.

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